Self Doubt

I attended a quarterly support call recently for a group who went through a training. I was struck by the common sentiment of the people who raised their zoom hand to ask questions. Nearly all were doubting themselves in some way. They all had a unique and beautiful way to offer support for clients or family and friends, and yet they doubted their ability or effectiveness. Some times even when presented with evidence of help. They still questioned if they did it “right”. 

Why do we doubt ourselves so much? I don’t know if we would ever feel we are 100% spot on in our choices but I would venture to guess a fairly high rate of success, at some level or by some measurement anyway. Often times the success lies within the learning or growth that was experienced, even if the intended outcome was not achieved. The notion of “failure” is an interesting one. Babies fall down many times as they learn to walk yet it doesn’t mean they failed at walking. 

What would happen and what would life be like if I doubted myself less? Or maybe I prefer to say I wish to trust the Universe more - as it works through me. How much more time and energy would I have available to me if I could do this? I wonder. If I could more often than not, trust the process and see it all as a journey, as a series of experiences that line my path and growth, knowing we are all learning along the way, would’t that make for a happier, healthier person? After all, the best way to learn is by doing! And not always smoothly, perfectly, or quickly. We don’t scold a child for doing something imperfectly while they are learning, why do we do it to ourselves as adults? After all, we continue to learn all our lives. 

I am reminded of the book by Micheal Singer titled “The Surrender Experiment” where he, the author, decided to surrender and basically embrace or say yes to everything that the Universe presented him, such as if he was asked to do something. This is a true story and it might surprise you to hear that through suspended doubt about his abilities or what the future looked like, the experience turned out to be a quite amazing and expansive one! 

Saying yes to everything that comes our way may not be the right thing if we are learning to say no more easily in order to prioritize time for our own self care, better health and sanity. But by staying open to what arises and by tuning into our bodies, we can get better at deciphering what feels right and what doesn’t feel right for us at that time. Often we know when we are saying yes out of guilt or a sense of obligation, rather than a resonance with the request. And sometimes our mind cautions us against saying yes in the ego’s effort to “keep us safe” which often translates to “keep us small” when the feeling we have inside our body feels like jumping for joy or buzzing with excitement about the idea or the possibility! 

Try an experiment. For a week or a month, or even just for a day, allow what every arises to be filtered through your body, your heart and keep the egoic mind out of it. Follow the body’s guidance and then take note of what happens. What does life feel like after a full week or month of it? How did things work out? Sometimes there is a delayed realization of the wisdom, but often we will get the confirmation sooner, that when we listen to our gut, our bodies, our heart, it works out well, sometimes better than our mind imagined and in unexpected ways. Self doubt or imposter syndrome is mind generated and based in fear. Our hearts don’t doubt or fear. 

How can I know that the Universe is working in my favor? Besides the fact that my life over all has been an exciting journey, I share this story. I had bought tickets to a Cirque du Soleil show well in advance to it coming to town. As the date got close I checked in with my daughter but it turned out that she and her boyfriend couldn’t go after all. I reached out to many family and friends to see who else might want to go with me. I did find one friend, but couldn’t find a third person. But as the show date was just days away and no one else had been able to or was even interested, I gave up searching. Seemed so odd that it had been so hard to find people interested in such a neat show. The day prior I was looking at my tickets to figure out what time we should leave and where we should grab dinner, park etc. and realized that I had only purchased two tickets! I thought I remembered buying three. Looking back later, I saw how I had thought there were three, but the grateful part was that the Universe knew I only had two tickets and so only found one other person to go with me. How sad it would have been to have to break it to someone who was excited to go to the show, that oops, I messed up and I didn’t have a ticket for them after all. Or I may have felt so bad, that I didn’t go myself, and sent the other two people off to the show without me.  

I try to remember when something really odd like this is happening, despite my best efforts, to just relax my expectations and to trust. The Universe always has the bigger picture in view. I, however, am limiting my thinking to a specific outcome and a shorter time frame. I wasn’t doubting myself as much as I was doubting the Universe’s help! But it helped me so much more by NOT finding a third guest than it would have by fulfilling my desire in finding one.