I have a wooden horse. It’s about 8 inches tall and is a modern art piece of sorts. I remember fairly clearly how I came to posses it. And I have looked upon the horse with that memory for all these years. I didn’t love the memory, so it is rather curious as to why I have kept the horse front and center over all these years. 

I was of grade school age and was in a shop with my Mom, siblings and my grandpa down in Portland OR near where my grandparents lived. I fell in love with this wooden horse. I think it might have been a little pricey for what it was, but regardless my Mom said no when I asked if I could have it. I proceeded to have a bit of a melt down. I don’t remember the details other than I cried and carried on and we had to leave the store. Later that day, my grandpa presented me with the horse. I don’t remember thanking him properly, likely I didn’t. I remember feeling surprised by it but grateful and relieved. Like a weight had been lifted. I was supposed to have this horse. For some reason. And I guess I knew it. But why? 

Recently I looked up at the horse sitting on a shelf in my tiny house. Storage is limited and precious as is display space. Yet the horse made the list to be here with me, in my small home. At that moment when I gazed at it recently I suddenly forgave my younger self for crying and carrying on so much about wanting it. Or maybe I forgave the adult me who shamed the younger self all these years. I thanked my grandpa (long passed of course) for knowing this one was important in some way. 

I still don’t know exactly what significance this wooden horse possesses but I do know it is enjoyable to look at. I always loved horses and wanted one for a while when I was young. I used to wish for a horse every time I saw a white car (I think that was the catalyst). When you saw a white car, you made a wish, licked your thumb and rubbed it in the palm of your other hand three times.  Perhaps this wooden horse was the answer to my prayer. Rather than the living version, a more manageable and less expensive version as well as a longer companion on my journey. 

Simple little things like these in our lives that are curious little treasures we might even miss as such. It could have just remain something from my childhood that I kept moving from place to place with me. I knew it was special. And even though I still am not sure as to the significance, I have expanded my appreciation for it and the part of my story it is. Thank you younger me, Grandpa Higby and the craftsperson who created it. All part of the rich tapestry of a good and curious life. 

This may be a bit off topic, but it may be of long-term importance.  After years of digestive issues and extreme discomfort, bloated belly and major frustration, I stopped eating gluten even though I didn’t test allergic to it, and felt SO much better. Recently, I have confirmed to myself that I am not allergic to gluten but rather to US wheat. It has been stated that the modified wheat germ of the US in no way resembles what it did just 50 years ago.  I think my body can’t recognize parts of those modified molecules and so reacts to this “unknown” through an inflammatory response. After eliminating gluten, I have also eliminated brain fog along with the perpetual gas, loose bowels and the like. When traveling in European countries I have been able to eat their bread and baked goods with no adverse effects. 

I also recently discovered Einkorn Flour, an ancient grain, that I also tolerate just fine. It is naturally lower in gluten but not gluten free. Next came a local pasta maker that imports her wheat direct from Italy. She had sold some of her noodle using Einkorn flour and I first tried that with no adverse effects. But when that flour became cost prohibitive and she stopped making pasta from it, I ventured to try her Italian wheat pastas. To my great delight, I found I could eat that just fine as well! (Her pasta is amazing and the subject of another blog post in the works.)

I hadn’t tried the made in Italy dried pasta at the grocery store until this week. I gave it a test run., and… fine! How wonderful! Despite the much improved options for gluten free items, I now know that if something is not available or a gluten free option is a very poor substitute, I can look for other options that are from European wheat. Not likely a lot out there yet, but things change quickly these days and I am confident I am not the only “gluten free” eater that has discovered this. It is always nice to have more options to some extent (too many and we can’t choose) but the real aha is the fact that as the industry continue to modify our food to be more resistant to pests, to hold up better getting to market, to be brighter in color, not have seeds, or what have you, it could be inadvertently contributing to the rise is health issues for some of us. I know strawberries, even organic, big and beautiful, are almost tasteless any more unless you buy them from a local farmer. Combined with the fact that most fresh strawberries come in non-recyclable clamshell plastic containers, I so rarely buy them. Only from local farmers in season or else frozen (in a ziplock bag I can reuse many times over) although even those are lower in taste than what I remember from when I was young. 
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So at what cost are we supposedly “improving” some of our basic food building blocks such as wheat? To quote Dr. Malcom from the movie Jurassic Park “Your scientist were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should”. ​

Your vulnerability is your power. Your willingness to sense and feel what’s really there in your body, and to let yourself experience it and work with it, is vulnerable because it’s acknowledging the real, true you. You have to let go of all the defensive strategies the protective personalty employs to shield you from getting hurt and connect, through sensation, with the very places inside you that feel painful, stuck and wounded.”
“The Energy Codes” by Dr. Sue Morter, pg. 133 (paperback)
People used to think vulnerable was synonymous with week. It is actually the opposite. It is hard to be vulnerable. This is because our ego or protective personality dislikes the unknown. And by definition, allowing vulnerability includes not knowing what will happen if/when/next. And we can be so afraid that we are more willing to stay in a bad situation or in discomfort and misery simply because we know what to expect in those situations. Change and the unknown is scarier than the known to the ego. It’s primary job is safety. Even if that perceived safety is not actually safe in the long run. 
We didn’t come here into this life to be comfortable at all times. Yes, we all like comfort! But don’t mistake that as our primary concern. We also desire some level of growth, learning, and to contribute and engage with the world around us. And that means some level of discomfort will be necessary. Adventure is rewarding because there is a level of discomfort involved, be it the unknown, risk, challenge or fear. After our adventure we love to tell the story don’t we? People are interested in our adventures and like to either see themselves in you, consider doing something similar, or are grateful they learned something along with you, but without having to do it themselves.
Consider vulnerability as your greatest ongoing adventure. No matter the outcome, learning and growth occurs. This contributes richly to our life as well as those lives we touch. We offer a possibility for others to witness. By showing that being vulnerable is a super power, others just might open themselves up to it the next time it is looming, revealing a deeper truth and amaze themselves. We all move along our path, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, but we all need to move. Comfortable is slow and steady, but can be stagnant at its worse.
Be open to exploring your resistance to vulnerability and what role your protective personality is playing. Realize that you are not a young child that needs all these protections. In fact, too much protection keep you from living the life you came to live. The sooner you go exploring, the sooner you will be journeying on your path with joy and harmony, with fewer and less dramatic bumps or detours along the way. Trust me. It happens all the time. It did for me. It will for you. Get your vulnerable on!